I was having a moment today. I am feeling so overwhelmed with all I need to do. Then I told myself, it will get done when it gets done.
Over the last year and a half, I haven’t been allowed to work half of that due to lockdowns. It has been hard being a single mom, supporting 3 kids on my own. I have loving friends and family, but it is still a struggle everyday doing this on my own. Today, when I think of school work I have to do, cleaning I have to do, when will I be allowed to work again, I need to change what I’m doing because of my injury and constantly not being able to work. That’s when I thought, I lost myself again. I let things pile up because I was so busy doing things for other people. I did this before and I don’t want to do that again.
I love being a mom. I have thoroughly enjoyed watching my girls grow up into strong, beautiful, smart young women (all who are still with me). I did however, not have any real identity when they were younger besides a mom and wife. I loved reading books, I enjoyed working out, I love going on trail walks. Anything I enjoyed doing was either done late at night when the kids were asleep, or just forgotten about, because I was a mom and wife.
Fast forward to 3 years ago when my marriage broke up. I finally had the chance to figure out who I was, sort of. Since my girls are with me full time, I still have so much to do in taking care of a house and working. However, I had some time to figure out what I really like. I had started running and was able to really get good at that.
And then, covid hit. Now we are all locked down. I haven’t been allowed to work half of the last year and a half. I have lost myself again. Putting a ton of effort in everywhere else, but myself. This morning as I sat here thinking of everything I need to do, it overwhelmed me. That’s when I realized, I have all day and all weekend. I can get to things slowly. There is no rush. Everything will get done when it gets done. It isn’t going anywhere.
So this weekend, I need to focus on me. Self love, doing things I enjoy, taking time for me. We all need to take time for ourselves and put ourselves first. When you continuously give to others, there’s nothing left to give to yourself. It’s ok to say no, something I have always struggled with. Always love yourself enough to know when you need to put you first, otherwise you have nothing left to give to anyone else.
I’ve noticed over the last year and a half. So many people, myself included. We wanted the chance to have a bit of a break from everything. To work a little less. Take some time for ourselves. Well, that has been forced on us. And yet, so many of us still haven’t gotten any of the things we wanted to get done, done. Things we enjoy have been put on the back burner.
My spiritual practice evolved over the last 5 years and 3 years ago I really started to practice and study. However, this past year and a half, when I’ve had so much more time to myself, not being allowed to work due to the shut downs. I put my spiritual practice on hold. However, deep in me, I knew I needed to get back to it and it would help me continue to grow and heal.
Last week, a friend asked me to do a candle healing for her. I was happy to do it. Got all my supplies together, sat down in front of my fireplace where I do my work and looked over at the candles I had started for myself a few months before that I didn’t finish. So, the decision was made to do both at the same time.
This was healing for me on so many levels. Not only was I finishing the candles for me that I needed to finish (clearly when I started them wasn’t the right time, because now was), but getting back to my spiritual practice, something my soul has been longing for.
While doing candle healing sessions, there is so much to watch for, the flame, wax dripping, length of time. This all tells a story. The candles for myself, and the candles for my friend, they told some amazing stories. In both cases, a lot of hurt was being let go. I will share pictures of my candles and may share pictures of her candles in another post.
This was so healing for me. It was cutting cords and releasing. In the second picture, the wicks are facing one another. This part of my life was important and shaped who I was. The third picture, the wicks are looking away, wanting to let go. The fifth picture is so important for me because it made me out loud admit something that I always knew but kept to myself. The one candle has 2 flames. Yes it is because the cord on that candle has a flame. However, what it represents is something so important for me to admit and let go of. It is how I looked at the situation. I knew deep down it wasn’t right, it needed to end in order for me to grow as a person. However, I held out for it to work. In this situation, I held on to something that I had built up in my mind and wanted, but never existed and never would exist in this situation. These two flames represent that. The two sided struggle that was in me for years. Wanting this situation to be what I imagined it should be, and the reality, it not being anything like that at all. Had I let go sooner, I might have realized what I was looking for was out there, just not where I had been looking. Luckily, I have found it and am so happy. The sixth picture, my candle did look back to the other side one last time before letting go and going out. The last two pictures showed me something that I needed to see because I blamed myself for holding on. Yes I had the conflict in me of wanting something that wasn’t there. However, the last two pictures show, I had let go, it wasn’t my fault that my situation held on for so long. The second candle is looking back at me, but I was already done and gone.
Since doing this healing, I have felt so much lighter and, well, free. I can now move forward with nothing holding me back. I am happy, truly happy. It was also great getting back to my work. I love incorporating these healings in for people along with holistic medicine. Healing on a physical and spiritual level.
I have another cord cutting to do for a friend, along with a few other healings. I am so excited to get back to what I love doing. So while our lives have been put on hold for the last year and a half, start doing stuff you love. You’ll thank yourself for it.